A LANCER's Christmas Story

Author's Note: This is purely for fun and should not be connected to all the other LANCER Fanfics. Unlike my typical writing style, I will write this one purely for humor. Enjoy!

WARNING!
This fanfiction contains adult content and strong language! If you get in trouble, it's not my fault! This is not canon to the LANCER fanfic!

Chapter 1: Finding a Christmas Tree
2 miles out of the LANCER's house

"Do we have to get a real tree?" Scotty groaned, blowing a buildup of snowflakes on his face. Rampage, Dare and Scotty were trudging through snow, wearing light jackets, obviously unprepared for the blizzard.

"I'm cold." Scotty complained for the tenth time. "Chill resistant fabric my ass."

Ten minutes minus 10 degrees later

"Come on!" Dare chided, "It's only a small flurry! Wait until you see a winter at Bridgeport!"

Rampage trailed behind Scotty, whispering. "I get it. The Doc didn't suit him up in armor, she fused his genetics with a penguins!" Scotty smirked in response until Dare stopped.

"I think this might be the tree!"

"Dare, there are about ten thousand trees here and you're saying this is the one?!" There wasn't much about the tree, it was covered in snow, but the sun shone down on the lone tree. The wind whispered as if angels sang.

"I just know it!"

A crunching sound was heard as Rampage's prosthetic foot crushed the trunk and it toppled over, right on top of Scotty.

"Get....this....thing....off...me!" He said, in a muffled tone. Rampage grabbed the tree's branches, "I'm not taking this back myself you guys know."

Back at the LANCER's house

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF THAT!" Lux shrieked at Wildcard, he held a bag of French Fried Onions. He flinched and dropped the bag. "Jesus Christ woman."

Lux was monitoring and capping off rations, insisting everyone eat the "traditional way"

"Yeah." She walked up to him, thrusting her finger straight on his sternum. He flinched again. "You must be a moron if you think I haven't noticed the gradual decline of the French Fried Onions!" She picked them up and set the bag back into the cupboard, where there was her stock full of food, cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes, mixes for stuffing and french fried onions, his secret love.

Longingly, he stared at the bag, as if it could come to him. He held out his hand, trying to use the Force to call the bag to him.

"Go find some decorations, don't be a useless thing sitting there! If you want to make yourself useful, go peel potatoes!" She tossed one at him and he stared at it confused.

"Knife?"

"You have one, genius." She said, annoyance heavy in her tone.

"I'M NOT PEELING A GODDAMN POTATO WITH MY PRECIOUS!"

'''What will happen next? Will Dare, Rampage and Scotty make it back? Will Wildcard survive Lux's reign of terror? Will I ever get used to my new contact lenses? To be continued!'''